i am deep...i am invisible..i am a non-conformist..and for me, the bravest thing a man could do is to confess to a girl how much he loves her..it takes great courage for a guy to do that..i am elise..no questions asked

it's 1:30 am and i'm still blog hopping.. i came across the blog of one of my supposed closest friends..

let's have a flashback arytee?

remember how crappy and shittish my birthday was right.. it was the worst day a person could ever have especially if he/she were celebrating his/her birthday

and then i got sick for two days due to depression.. so imagine how depressed i was coz i got sick afterwards

and then when you go to school coz you got saturday class, your bestfriend tells you that she won't be able to go to your birthday celebration

me: ei..gusto ko pag punta niyo mamaya, maguusap kayo ni rich ha
her: ay eloi, sorry pala, hindi ako makakapunta
me: [shocked and dismayed] ha? bakit? e diba i texted you guys last night? how come you didn't reply? ur mom called last night too. how come she didn't tell my mom?
her: bday kasi ng brother ko eh
me: [on the verge of tears] ano ba yan..bakit hindi manlang sinasabi

imagine you getting all perked up for your bday celebration - the one thing that could make up for my sucky bday. then she suddenly tells me she can't make it. my point here is, how come she didn't inform me beforehand? then i found out that they knew days ago pa pala that they couldn't make it.. i got so hurt. and they have the nerve to get pissed at me? ah rar pala ha.. guess what... i'm pissed too

friend number two:
i was in her blog entry.. upon reading it.. it said something about her texting me an apology and how i was rar-ish coz i didn't reply

okay here's the deal

first of all, if you knew that it was ateneo's sophomore's night, i could've understood naman eh. how come she didn't inform me???? fuck it that's what i don't get. it's so fucking easy for them to text their guy friends.. but when it comes down to something that's important for me.. they chicken out or something? that's what i can't figure out. pardon for the cussing.. i just can't contain this anger anymore.. tas shit.. i'm gonna read her blog pa and that's what she's gonna write.. eh pucha.. ano ba un..siya pa may ganang maasar.. sige na.. ako hindi magtext na hindi makkapunta...ipapasabi lang.. parang. fuck diba.. u got 2 celphones dude.. why didn't u text me? it's like u didn't even care.. oh yeah, at the bottom of the paragraph of your entry last saturday, you enumerated all the events:

lsgh fair
ateneo sophomore's night
iba pang stuff

where's the part where: it's elise's bday celebration

ouch ..

see.. it seems like the most shallow reason for me to get angry.. but that's how i feel. put yourself in my shoes.. you keep on telling your friends to go to your house on feb 12 for like.. a week or two.. you keep on saying "yeah sure!" and end up not going.. and the worst part is - you never had the decency to tell me that you wouldn't be able to go

paasa

i try my best to approach them in order for me to patch things up.. but something kept on holding me back..

maybe it's because i really got hurt.. and i felt like they didn't care at all.. everytime i saw them it was like the mark of Insensitive Friends are tatooed on their foreheads.

fine they apologized..but they never really explained why they didn't inform me. i didn't care if they couldn't go if the reason was substantial enough and reasonable enough..

what ticked me off was the fact that they didn't even tell me

you expect me to drop it that easily? comon you guys..

the reason why i didn't reply to her apology text was coz i was still too angry.. i didn't want to reply coz i was afraid i might say something harsh, and hurt her feelings more.

i still can't find in my heart the willingness to forgive them

i almost had the urge to talk to them..but after reading her blog and how she wrote about me...guess what - i had 2nd thoughts again..

think about what you guys did.. frankly, you have no right to get pissed.. coz you know why? it's kinda your fault

i'm so sorry if i'm this frank tonight.. i just can't take it anymore.. parang..ako nanaman ang nagmumukhang masama..

imagine if your friends did the same thing to you: you have a fuckingly uberly shitty birthday [literally my bday was that bad promise] then you get sick...and then your 2 closest friends stand you up.. comon.. how would u feel?

up until now, juls den and i haven't been talking..

i know i know..it's not me you say? i know i'm the person who usually approaches people to patch things up.. but i guess this time, i got tired of understanding..

i know, pride is such an ugly bestfriend, but right now, i still can't talk to them - it's a long story

my day was okay.. pretty much sabaw haha.. i was sleepy but i got to accomplish the stuff that i needed to accomplish

the best part of the day was actually winning a debate when we trained awhile ago =) it was a fulfilling feeling as usual

then when i came home..i got to talk to rich.. haha.. we-ell..i dunno if he was just trying to make me asar or whatever.. haha.. ay ewan.. bleh ka rin anong ms. taray at masungit ka diyaN? eh kaw kasi eh.. haha.. as if he's reading this anyways..

although when we said goodnight na.. mejo nagtampo ako..but i don't think he noticed that.. haha. he's too happy anyway.. so i guess that's enough for me

maybe coz i miss him? i dunno.. oh well. i have no clue as to when we're gonna have the chance to see each other again *sigh*

right now poncee's helping me with my computer project. .haha.. thanks dude =)

oh yeah, as you can see, i've changed my username! haha..it's now elise_17.. slowly i'm feeling my 17ishness.. haha. although, the feeling hasn't completely sunk in

frick i'm so darn sleepy but i gotta finish this crap for computer..personal webpage .. frick..

oh well.. the html-illiterate bids goodbye

:elise:

it's been a week since my hellish birthday, and still, i haven't really felt the 17-ish fever .. haha.. it's like i feel like i'm still stuck in the realms of my 16 year old self. i don't even feel like changing my username here at tabulas.. haha

i feel like being slightly sentimental today, so please, bear with all the crap that i have to write.

lately i've been evaluating my life.. how i've been living it - i guess this is the effect when a lot's been happening to a person.

i guess i never imagined that my life would turn out to be like this. i've always thought that it would be in black and white. i was always used to me being invisible, someone who just studied her ass off to be an achiever. i never really cared about how i looked, i never gave a damn about how i dress in public, and i never really cared about myself. i could count my friends using my hands and feet. that was it. plain me. period.

as i grew older, i guess i never really payed much attention to how my life was going on about. nothing exciting really happened to me. all i knew was that my grades were fine and i had a good relationship with my family. i was contented with that. i never knew that god would paint my life with so much color. i never saw that coming.

high school came.. things started getting real for me. my family problem never really sank in until my sophomore year. i never knew the meaning of "friends from other schools" until my freshman year caused by being a debater. i never knew that i would be having a difficulty in my studies. i never knew my life would eventually resemble a pretzel - twisted and weird.

then comes the turning point of my life. Junior Year. who would've thought one soiree would change my life. who would've thought that one soiree would give me a new sense of perspective.

suddenly, my phone book gets clouded by more and more people. even my friends saw the transition that was taking place. slowly, i was getting surprised. there are times when up to now, i can't even get used to it.

a huge storm cloud hurdles above my head. i didn't get to become an awardee. i just couldn't believe it. but i eventually got over it, and i'm happy to say i became stronger afterwards.

then senior year came. more challenges came. i often complained and i often kept on asking the question: i'm only 16...why do these things keep on happening to me?

i get the sucky privilege of breaking someone's heart.. of getting my heart broken.. and i get to feel the love again.. all in one year. daaayng..

i've done things i never thought i could do. i've said things i thought i'd never say. i've been "seen" by the most unlikely person ever. i've never fought with my family like this. it's like my life's full of "i've nevers" and it just surprises me.
________________________________________________________________________________________

but u know, even if a lot of shit's happened.. and even if i got my share of one of the worst heartaches i could ever feel, i can still say that i'm perfectly happy and contented. i never thought i'd be able to get in ateneo. i never thought that i'd be this happy with someone. i never thought that i'd have a barkada [i mean a real one]. i never thought i'd be able to fit in the debate circle. i never thought that i'd be able to drop the guys whom i thought were my friends. i never thought that my life would be this interesting.

my faith has grown because of all these happenings. i'm proud to say that i morphed into a person whom i wanna be. yes, i'm not perfect - and i'm proud of being imperfect. i'm proud of making stupid mistakes. i know i'm sounding all weird now.. but i guess it's been a while since i've looked at my life under a microscope.

i'm thankful for everything that has happened in my life. from the shits down to the good times - even the most confusing and most frustrating parts of it, i'm still thankful. these are what make me up as an individual. i'm thankful for all the people all around me, no matter how asshole-y they are.. haha. i'm thankful for my barkada, for my family, for him... and most of all..for the strength that god has given me. i'm happy. period =)

what's gonna happen to me now i'm 17? who knows.. but one thing's for sure: i know my life would still be more interesting and funnier .. and i can't wait

:elise:

so many voices in my head, i don't know which one i should listen to.

since saturday i've been having a battle with myself.. i've been arguing with what my heart's dictating, and with what my family's saying. so this is how it feels. being torn between two big factors, and you don't know what to do. there's a big urge in me that's saying "to hell with what they think" then there goes my yang side that's calling out to me that's saying " hello, that's your family you idiot". i had no idea i'd be stuck in a mess like this

and i'm starting to think na he's having a much harder time than me.. i'm starting to fear that this might pull him away. and i don't want that to happen. him gone? i wouldn't know what to do

"honestly i've never felt so tired" - shit.. this scared me a lot. oh god.. please.. help

i gotta fight for this.. for us.. this time, i can't go weak.. i just can't. i know there's a solution for this. a good compromise.. one that doesn't require me to choose. because i can't. these 2 factors are equally important to me.. and heck, i wouldn't know what to do if i'd lose either one.

:elise:

Ateneo de Manila Personal Essay
By: Elouise M. Rendon

They say that experiences are life’s best teachers – cliché, but true. As a sixteen year old adolescent, I can say that I have had lots of these: good, bad, some worth remembering, others – worth dumping in the trashcan; but nevertheless, they have all honed and molded me into the person I am now. As I write this essay, different things about me are going to come up. Some – shocking…others? You go figure out for yourself.
As a child I have always remembered that I loved performing in front of an audience. My family has always said that I was a “born performer”. My first ever proof of this was when our directress at NS Montessori told me that I was going to be the emcee at our Christmas Program. Wow! Hello, limelight! I stood there on the stage with all my flashcards wearing my orange Tinkerbel-ish dress. The feeling was exhilarating. I couldn’t wait to speak. All these emotional butterflies were on a fly trip inside my stomach: there were happiness, anxiety, and excitement. This experience hit me on the head: I am the type of person who loves to talk. True enough, I always have been. (*For reference and proof, please see Programs of Study part of application form*)
Debate Adrenaline Rush – noun. A feeling experienced by debaters when they are speaking, about to speak, or when the topic is given and you have to prepare for it. I have experienced this feeling. I have been part of the SHS Debating Guild for four straight years now, and I can say, this feeling is really something. It has enabled me to think faster, produce essays a whole lot faster than anyone else, and to have a broader and a more critical mind about things. Somehow my way of thinking has developed – morphed more likely into a more serious and complex one. Being a debater, I feel that this is one of my biggest opportunities to show the world that I have the knack for speaking. I don’t know, but I just love it. This club has also proved to me that I want to be a speaker someday - someone who would give talks in schools and the like. Communicating has always been my passion. After debates, I have this sense of completion and fulfillment. You’ve spoken for seven minutes…big deal; but the fact that you actually said something substantial, the fact that you actually spoke your mind, those 7 minutes would give you a Post-It on your back saying: Good Job or You Actually Said Your Opinion so to speak.
Like I said, I have always loved performing. As a part of this performing thing of mine, I would also like to share my passion for singing – nope, not the Singing in the Bathroom passion (but it works for me too ) but the performing type of singing. I have joined 3 singing contents. One of them I won first place, the other, second, and the last…well…let’s just say that the judges didn’t really give a ranking. Every time my friends would tell me to sing, I go: “Okay, sige ba. Sinong tutugtog sa gitara?” I was never ashamed to sing in front of people. There’s just something in the crowd that I love. Each time people ask me to sing, dance, or deliver something: I was always game. I have really found my passion.
Down to the serious side of things. I always thought that my life would be the kind that goes down in a straight, smooth line. You can see the beautiful evergreen pine trees outlining the path you are taking. Yes, there are storms, but you can easily surpass them. Like I said: “I thought.”

I was the perfectionist type of girl. I’ve always wanted everything to be a-ok. I thought my life was going according to plan – peachy, simple, ecstatic…but I was wrong…dead wrong. This specific experience hit me so hard on the head, that up to now, I can still feel the poor lump that was formed. My dad left our house last June 30th, 2002. Shocking, yes. Was it hard? I thought it would be easy, seeing that I never really had any emotional attachment with him (e.g. Father dear would drop going to Daughter’s Graduation for Golf). I thought, “Yes, no more tension in the house.” Yes, the tension did leave, and we had more peace; but I never thought that not having a father would have a tremendous impact on me. Sometimes I can feel tiny teardrops itching to scamper out of my eyes whenever I see little kids with their fathers, playing around and just having fun. Thoughts in my head that say: why couldn’t our family be like that swim across my mind; but after 2 years have elapsed, I have learned to deal with it. I have learned to accept the fact that my father is like this and that he would always be like that. We tried to change him into the dad we used to know; but our efforts were always wasted. I believe this experience has greatly upgraded my faith into a Pentium 5. This experience has also hit me that life isn’t perfect. I never believed that I would be in the category of “dysfunctional family person”; but I’m not ashamed of this. I can proudly say that I have become a better individual because of this experience. I have been stronger, and I’ve never seen my sisters and mom bond together so much. I guess God does work in mysterious ways. There’s always a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow.
The pressures of adolescence have never hit me until my junior year. I mean, I’ve had friends from other schools and stuff because of debate, but I’ve never had other friends before. I thought that my journey would be a straight line, but then again, it became curvier than ever. I’ve had my share of heartaches. Yeah, call me sappy, but these experiences have really helped me a lot: from dealing with life, down to seeing how real the world can get. There’s something deeper to be found in these ugly things. You get to become stronger and smarter. I know I have changed into a better person after experiencing these things. I’ve finally developed my “street smart” attitude. I have also known how to deal with these happenings. Thank you, heartache.
All these things: horrifying experiences, happy moments, etcetera have defined me into a person that I know I am proud of. All my contests and performances, all my problems and headaches, I know, God made me experience all of these in order to learn the reality of life. The saying “life isn’t perfect” is so true, so simple, yet so substantial. Once I step out of the dreary cocoon of high school life, I’d be stepping into a new journey – my journey through college. I have always wanted to study in the Ateneo, for I know that my skills would be perfectly honed in this school. No matter how hard my dad has been pushing me to go to another university, I just couldn’t see myself not studying in my dream school. Every time I go to the Ateneo, I go: “This will be my university. My future will be molded here. This will be my foundation.” I know that this university will really enable me to become the best person I can be. Hopefully, I’d be able to get in. I know I’d be happy to write it down as a part of My Life’s Greatest Achievements. I am proud to be me…no pretensions. I soon am about to be a 17-year old. What’s going to happen to me? Who knows? Nobody does; but I know that I can still continue making a difference.


- this was my ateneo essay... my mom and ate think it's nice.. haha..

- whatever joppy..

- =)

my birthday, february 9th, was one of my most horrible days ever.

oh yeah, i'd like to thank the other people who greeted me on my "special day"

miggy
noel
ejohn
ayo
kevin
frances
martin
jayr
dominic
io
johnz
drea
patflo
miko
kuya ej
alexis
niko
mark
poncee
nathan
marc

and a whollleee lot more =) sorry if i didn't get to post your names here!

un..thanks you guys! hehe

my day started with a mass... i woke up at quarter to 6, took a bath, got dressed, and walked to church [by the way, my bday's ash wednesday pala and chinese new year..haha la lang]

then went to school..had another mass..then comes my HELL DAY

we had 6 quizzes that day [2 of which, i failed miserably: pinoy..frick.. i had no idea she'd be giving 2 quizzes..f*ck..my average of 81 - which was already impressive, fell down to 71 sh*t]

physics - got 19/20..
a. geom - perfect
english - 7/10 [tae this should've been 8..grr..]
ap - 25/30 [pretty average..oh well]

although, this cheered me up a lil bit.. i saw jayr, marc, kevin, jerome, and miggy.. heya guys! haha kulit..

anyway.. received a gazillion text messages from everyone who greeted me a happy birthday.. one of which, i never expected..but anyways..i think he just wanted to ask me for my kada's number..the insensitive prick

and then.. pinagtripan ako nina kevin sa phone..haha bleh kayo

and then i went home.. rich called coz he had a bad day..and here comes the highlight of my birthday

my mom and i argued.. again.. and it was the worst

she was calling me na coz we had pizza.. so i said bye bye to rich... and then i said wait lang coz i was fixing my stuff in my ate's room

then she screamed again..i was getting panicky na.. and then.. to cut the uber friggin long story short, nagalit siya sakin..and it was our worst fight ever. she told me bakit ang tagal ko.. i'm always like that daw.. when i couldn't contain my anger, i shouted back.. and all went downhill from there..

she left..i went to the ref and started punching it.. the magnets fell and broke..and tada: i got 2 pasas on my knuckles now..

then my ate was hugging me from behind to stop me..i shoved her away and i went to our kitchen..i sat down by the cabinet, and yes, i started banging my head on the cabinet. you can just imagine what i looked like.. yes, i probably looked like a deranged psychopath.. oh well..

you see, i've been containing a lot of emotions lately. my family just can't understand the efforts i'm exerting just for them to see that i still do love them and that they're my top priority. they don't know that each time i set foot in this house, they're the first ones i think about.. what i can do to make them proud of me: that's what i always think about. but i guess what i do here isn't enough.. coz when i talked to my mom yesterday, she told me they're not seeing it.. and i got so frustrated.. basta yun..same old crappy issues.. oh well..

then i hurriedly went inside my room..i called rich up..and yes, i cried like a baby..binuhos ko lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya..all my frustrations in this house..all my griefs.. buti pa siya he understood.

i didn't eat dinner.. i locked myself up in my room until the next day. due to my depression, i got sick. i didn't go to school. then i woke up at 1pm.. i ate lunch.. i took a bath..then i talked to my mom.. at first i thought it wouldn't get fixed coz mejo nagkasagutan pa kaming onti.. i cried again..kasi super nafrustrate na ako.. tas i went back inside my room.. i couldn't help it na.. so i went back outside.. then sort of lumuhod akong hindi sa mom ko.. i just cried and cried..and apologized.. coz honestly, i didn't know what else to do.. and finally, everything's settled na.

i guess i have to exert more effort.. para makita nila na i'm trying my best

tas tuloy na rin party =) hehe

i didn't go to school today either.. i got sick.. i felt all groggy.. oh well

i'm so excited for tomorrow! all the people closest to my heart are gonna be here =) yipee!

can't wait to see:

yas
gino
jules
angel
den

and of course, rich =) it's gonna be a while before we can get to see each other again.. so kailangan ko nang samantalahin tom

but even if everything's a-ok already.. something's still wrong..i know there's something wrong with the picture..it's like i'm dreading something. i dunno..it feels weird..

anyways, keep ya guys posted =)

:elise:

p.s. thanks to all those who tried to cheer me up the other day.. i really appreciate it! [yes, rich, especially you.. haha]

today was stressful..we didn't do much in school, but i felt so tired afterwards.. then had a stupid misunderstanding with someone again..grr..i'm sick and tired of arguing with him all the time.

talked to chulo awhile ago! haha la lang =)

grabe..it's not even my birthday yet and people have been greeting me! so thanks! =)

jag
ace
andrew
marc
mark
karl
justin
joppy
kriz
ron
troy
reb

and lastly, rich haha =)

and i can't remember if argie did too.. haha..pero anyways, thanks tlaga you guys! =) super thanks.. u made my day =)

:elise:

p.s. hmm.. this day made me think about a lot of stuff..haay.

last night, he and i talked .. about um something.. haha. i was kinda nervous when he told me " elise, can we talk pag uwi ko?" waah.. something about his family asking about me and stuff.. haha. akala ko kung ano.. i got really nervous.. kala ko they said something bad about me..tas un pala.. wala.. haay buti nalang

the approval of his family means a lot to me. and i'm really scared to meet them pa.. well i'm not yet ready anyway.. i'm afraid that they might think that i'm not good enough for him.. or i'm ugly..or something to that effect.. although everytime these thoughts enter my mind, i just try to tell myself that i should just be my same old perky-happy-smiley-ish self.. yup.. that's what i should do. just be myself

pero yun.. i'm happy na ulit. hehe.. cleared things up.. wuhoo..

anyways. today was uber boring.. i woke up at 11:30..ate lunch, took a bath, went to yas' house to make our computer project, nakipagkulitan kay gino.. nagvideoke with yas and gino..haha.. [by the way, nice bass guitar yassy!] then went home

talked to ron about his problems..aww ron! kaya mo yan dude

then talked to lex about his problem [dude kaya mo rin yan]

and now i'm waiting for rich to finish his schoolwork.. i still don't want to sleep yet knowing that he's still stressed and he's still doing something..haha..yuck ang sappy..eh ganun eh .. haha bleh :D

i so don't want to go to school tomorrow..eewie..back to normalcy..[is there such a word? haha] ayoko paaaa...

wah..turning seventeen on wednesday! yipee! gonna have a small celebration lang on saturday night with my kada..that's it =) yey yey yey i'll get to bond with my loved ones on saturday

anyhow..i guess this is pretty much it..keep ya guys posted

:elise: